Fear

You have good days, and bad days during chemotherapy.   My bad days come about two days after stopping the steroids, and these low points get lower and lower.   Generally, this is something that I can handle, but there was something that happened Thursday that really had me down.    I was researching chemo-brain.    It is a real condition, although according to an article on foxnews.com, it wasn’t given any credibility until 2004.    That was enough to set me off, but I will save that tirade for another day.

Chemo-brain affects your cognitive abilities.   Some people report that it is as if they are in a fog the whole time, or that they lose items, have some memory loss, and can’t focus.    For me, there is a focus issue, in that focusing my attention for long periods on a particular item is difficult, but the largest issue is my inability to multitask.   Since I am in the computer field, this is a big deal.    I normally administer several disparate computer systems, and must do this simultaneously.   Right now, I can’t.  

As I was researching chemo-brain, I wanted to know when it would go away, when I would have my faculties back.    Answers varied from months to years.  And then fatigue and low emotional state took over and whispered into my brain:  ‘It may never come back.’    That thought had me the most frightened of the entire ordeal.    My wife, God bless her, recognized what was happening and suggested I take an Ativan.    This is prescribed for anti-nausea, but it is also an anti-anxiety drug with sleep aid benefits.   I am better now, but it was a frightening few hours.    We’ll be better prepared for the low point after my final round of chemo, which is May 5.   I won’t get that low again.   And if my abilities don’t come back, I’ll just add that to the list of things I have to deal with.  

As for the rest of the time, I took one anti-nausea pill for nausea, and my taste went bland for 4-5 days.    So in that regard, it has been easier.  However, I am far more tired through this round than I was the previous treatments.    This is expected, but I don’t think I could have prepared my self for it.